2011 Honor Your Mentor Essays
The 2011 Winning Essay: Francis Kaklauskas in honor of Robert Unger
This book, Brilliant Sanity, is dedicated to Bob Unger. Bob has been the major mentor in my personal and professional life. If we look around this room, my guess is that many of us have been deeply impacted by Bob’s wit, consistency, discipline, and generous heart. He vividly set an exemplary model of behavior and mentorship that I have thoroughly attempted to emulate.
In thinking about this dedication for a book on Buddhism and psychotherapy, one might expect I would highlight Bob’s ability to integrate western and eastern thought, or to say how he could be likened to an enlightened divinity. For me, Bob has been something much more, and something much more simple than a clever scholar or other worldly guru. He has shown me how to be a good man, husband, father, friend, and person. He has also shown me how to be a thoughtful and dedicated clinician, one who has life balance, personal idiosyncratic passions (i.e. singing, cycling), clear compassionate boundaries, a sense of humor about himself, the mind, and human folly, and an understanding that life is a blessing to be embraced and enjoyed. Bob has all the skills and knowledge, limitations, and annoyances, of any other great clinician, but he is a transcendent angel in at least two areas.
Over his 40 years of clinical work and training, he has uncovered every flavor, spice, and potency of human aggression. Not only in the world and in his clients; but most importantly for me, he helped me recognize, accept, and transmute these feelings inside myself. Suicide, revenge, hatred, murderous feelings are not obstacles, but tools once understood with depth and awareness. This aggressive drive, passionate, seductive and destructive, he not only knows, but has mastered. He is an emotional alchemist helping people turn poisonous lead and mercury into life affirming gold.
The other quality I have observed in Bob is a thorough dedication to understand and transcend narcissism in western terms or ego in Buddhist language. Bob does not champion himself; he champions everyone. He doesn’t take sides; he is on everyone’s side. He can take the fall, the blame, the hatred, the wrath, so others can continue to move forward on their path. His behavioral choices are in no manner impulsive or self-motivated. He steps in front of oncoming traffic to protect others, and releases these bruises in little bits of rubber from his bike on the roads and mountains of Colorado.
Twenty years ago, when I was an ambitious psychotherapist still in my twenties, I went to Bob’s office and asked what I needed to do be a good therapist. He appropriately endlessly explored this issue. He asked me why I would want to do this, asked my views about this process, and validated my desire. Finally I wore him down, and he told me what I should do: get into analytic therapy with a well-trained therapist, get my doctorate, and have a child. His recommendation of Dolores Welber, PhD, for therapy has been profoundly life changing for me. My doctorate has helped me understand I am worthy and have the requisite base knowledge, and starting my family gave me a deeper understanding of human development than I could have ever learned in any textbook, in addition to opening my heart more fully than I could have ever imagined. By many accounts, this type of very specific directive intervention may have been a therapeutic mistake. But I took it and ran with it, and now today, I have accomplished these things. I cannot say if I have become a good therapist, but more importantly, I can say that this advice has led to a rich, engaged, and meaningful life.
Right after my son, Levi, was born, my wife, Elizabeth became very ill, and had to be hospitalized. I sat by her bedside, an overwhelmed new father. Now, I don’t know if Bob and his wife Helena had to cancel clients, groups, personal engagements, or whatever, but they both came to see us, called everyday, and brought us dinner once we came home. They showed me that psychology is not about theories, ideas, and rigid boundaries, but about finding ways to help.
The many years of being a member in groups lead by Bob and Helena not only taught me about myself, human nature, the dharma, and the subtleties and power of clinical work, but more importantly they inspired me to forever continue to walk along the long path to emotional maturity.
I know you were doing your job, but I cannot thank you enough.
***
Nancy Kelly in honor of Ellie Prosser: Broadway Dodged a Bullet, Thanks to Ellie Prosser...
I’m delighted to have the chance to remember someone who stepped into my life briefly, but had an outsized impact on the path my life took thereafter. Dr. Eleanor Prosser was a Professor of Dramaturgy and Theatre at Stanford University when I started a doctoral program there in the early 80s. Having discovered that I was not likely to make a living as an actor, I had shrewdly decided to accept a fellowship from Stanford to study dramaturgy for a few years, perhaps leading to a teaching position. When I met Ellie, I was a twenty-two year old graduate student, fuchsia-haired and homesick, having just moved to California from Texas with whatever belongings I could haul in my old VW Beetle. She taught the Research Methods class for the doctoral program, and she was the first professor I had at Stanford.
While I loved her course, and learned more than I’d even wanted to know about research, what Dr. Prosser gave to me was something much less tangible. Having discovered early in the program that I was not much interested in dramaturgy (ouch, who knew?), I spilled my despair in her office one day, crying and wondering if I could afford to pay for my gas back to Texas. Unflappable as ever, Dr. Prosser simply pointed out that I appeared much more interested in philosophy and aesthetic theory than in dramaturgy, so why didn’t I reapply for a fellowship in the Modern Philosophy program at Stanford? Knowing that attempting to leave the Dramaturgy program would put me in a difficult position with the Chair and faculty, Ellie offered to copy all of my records herself, including my admissions file, letters of recommendation, etc. and to write a letter supporting my readmission to the new department. And she did all this, quietly, at great risk of political fallout to herself. In the end, I was admitted to the new program with a full fellowship, and moved to the other side of campus the next fall. Dr. Prosser retired from Stanford within a few years, having done me an enormous favor at a time when I felt alone and overwhelmed by the magnitude of what I did not yet know about myself. Her kindness also ensured that I’d actually complete a doctorate at Stanford some years later.
Though she died some years ago, Ellie’s example continues to teach me a lifetime of lessons about the profound impact of offering guidance to someone who feels lost and overwhelmed. When I began teaching college students myself, I often thought about how Ellie’s action helped me believe that I belonged in academia—she believed in me enough to stick her neck out and help me through the obstacles—and I often thought about paying this gift forward to the young students I worked with who felt less than confident in their abilities. She also taught me that changing courses is not a sign of failure, but rather a sign of knowing oneself better. I’ve drawn on this lesson over and over again, more times than I can count, as I’ve changed careers and directions based on what I know today about myself. I will always be profoundly indebted to Ellie Prosser, and I am delighted to have the chance to remember her.
Karen Travis in honor of Her Parents, Otis Travis and Opal Williams Travis
Otis Travis, daddy, was born on October 28th 1903 and died January 16th 1979. He was the 2nd child born and the first son of many siblings to follow. My mother, Opal Williams Travis, was born on October 4, 1915 and died October 5, 2000. I was the last born of 5 living siblings and my father was 54 years old and my mother 42. They had much experience in raising children, loosing children to death and much life experience by the time I came along.
My parents were not formally educated but believed in education and knew its value. In the early 1900’s living in a rural community and the son of a share cropper, my father had to go to work and stopped school after 4th grade. My mother had an 8th grade education. It is amazing to me all my parents accomplished and provided for my siblings and I given their circumstances. I grew up on a dairy farm. This way of life taught me many wonderful things.
So, how were my parents significant and made a difference in my life? Living on a farm taught me about the cycle of life, beginnings, middle and endings. Living and dying were a part of life, raising our own food taught me about the seasons and living close to the source, nothing went to waste so therefore they were ahead of their time in terms of living green. I learned responsibility at an early age and my parents modeled a strong work ethic. I took pride in my age appropriate chores and felt it an honor as I progressed into handling bigger jobs on the farm. They taught me time management. I learned there was play time and work time… work on the farm, school work and time with friends and family. They encouraged friendships and being part of groups. I belonged to many groups: family, school, clubs, close friends, church, and so on. My father never met a stranger and my mother always had an open door and open heart. They were extremely generous people and gave in many ways. If they were not able to give in cash they gave in kind. I recall when my father was 74 years old (the year before he died) having retired and sold all modern farm equipment and animals, decided to buy a mule, plow and all the attachments. He wanted to experience making a garden the old fashion way one more time. He was willing to take risk... It was a very interesting summer for me while I was home from college. There was ABUNDANCE that year. My parents gave vegetables and fruits away to neighbors, family and friends. I have many stories of generosity. My mother modeled values and norms, teaching how to move about in the (group) world.
My parents had many wise sayings. Two of which stand out to me are: Sweep around your own door step first and it is important to look beyond 6 inches of your nose. So in (group) therapy terms I might say: It is important to look internally and to stretch beyond your comfort zone. Much like farm life: it takes a lot to get a group started, keep it running, making decisions of when and how to intervene, stormy “weather” at times, what will be harvested is uncertain, different seasons/stages occur and working together takes clear and open communication.
I appreciate this opportunity to reflect upon my parents and my life with them. There is much more to say and I think this creates a good summary. I feel a bit vulnerable in submitting this “essay” …. By submitting this essay you are seeing a bit into my interior life and that feels vulnerable. It is good to stretch beyond my comfort zone.
Submitted with love and affection for my parents.
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Xu Yong in honor of Priscilla Kauff
My mentor is Professor Priscilla Kauff. In 2006, she and Professor Anne Alonso visited our hospital, Shanghai Mental Health Center, and provided a one-week training of psychodynamic group psychotherapy for us. This is the first time for me to know about group psychotherapy, and I was immediately fascinated by it. After this training, the two teachers actively encouraged me to try group psychotherapy, and promised to offer supervisions for me via Email and Skype. Therefore I started my first group, which is an experiential group composed of my colleagues, and in May 2007, I started my first patient group. As a beginner, I have experienced numerous difficulties and struggles, and many times wanting to give up. However, Professor Priscilla Kauff and Professor Anne Alonso, whose death was a great loss to us and made us very sad, always gave me timely support, especially their understanding, protection and encouragement for a beginner, so I can stick to my commitment to group psychotherapy. My first psychodynamic patient group has been going on more than 3 years, without Professor Priscilla Kauff and Professor Anne Alonso’s help and support, I can not imagine I could go so far. Their supervision help me improve my knowledge and skills; More importantly, their understanding, support and encouragement helped me to know more about my weaknesses and strength, helped me to be able to tolerate more uncertainty and anxiety, and made me more confident in myself and leading group. So, I want to express my gratefulness to Professor Priscilla Kauff and Anne Alonso from the bottom of my heart.
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